Addiction

Back when I was a teenager I used to smoke. I smoked from the time I was 15 until 20 pretty nonstop. Then I would smoke during social situations...mostly at bars. After graduating from college, I would start smoking every summer for the next three years. I was always job hunting then and I didn't know how to deal with my stress. The very last summer I smoked was 2002. I didn't have an excuse. I finally had a job and a one year old and life was great. But a friend of mine said to me, "Don't you just want a cigarette sometimes?" She bought a pack with the intent of smoking just one. Well, I am not that kind of person. That one turned into about 4 that night. Then I finished the pack. After that, I was buying more and more. The strange thing about me though is that I can quit smoking very easily. Every time the new school year came, I would just quit. What I've learned though is that I cannot have just 1 cigarette. It always snowballs into something more.

This is the same with me with certain foods. Now I know people warn against people having restrictive diets. Well I am not on a diet. I have adopted hopefully a newer healthier lifestyle and within that I know I have certain foods that I cannot have just one of or it has a snowball effect. Most of the foods I really have no business eating anyway. You will never hear me complaining of having a freak out and eating too many baby carrots one night. Oh no, my addiction is to processed, salty, or sugary foods. For example, last night I stupidly thought I could grab one of my sons Wheat Thins and be fine. W-R-O-N-G. That one turned into a few more which turned into several handfuls more. Now when I get like this, it sets off a mindless feeding frenzy. I don't know why. I should know why. I should know how to stop it in the first place. But it didn't stop there. Then, my mother (who by the way is NOT the same person who raised me...she is now a grandma and all her mother rules about food have flown out the window) had given my twins snack bags of Cheetos. My sons were smart and didn't eat them. I on the other hand am not so smart and I finished both their bags. Again, I am not a person who can have just one.

I hear people at my Weight Watchers meetings say how getting over being overweight is much harder than being an alcoholic because alcoholics don't HAVE to drink but we do HAVE to eat. Well, I disagree. Yes people do need to eat to survive. But did my survival hinge upon the 2 snack bags of Cheetos I ate? I don't think so. In fact, I'm sure it hurt my body with all the crap that's in there. I also don't need to consume brownies, cheesecake, cookies, or other chips to survive either. People do in fact need to drink to survive, just not alcohol.

So as any addict, the first step is admitting it so here it goes, "Hi. I'm Chellie and I'm a junk food addict." I used to be better. I used to be stronger, have more will power, felt invincible. I though all these other people who can't maintain their weight were strange. How hard is it? Well oh cocky one, it IS pretty frickin hard isn't? I am no different from all of the other people who have lost weight and gained some back. In fact, I have now gained 2 more lbs. for a total of a 12 pound weight gain since May! The hubs says to me, "Maybe this is your natural weight now. I don't think 117 was a natural weight for you. You were too skinny. I just want you to be sane." Well too skinny or not, that's what my weight is supposed to be in my head and all of this above it is freaking me out. Any of you out there lost weight but got down to an unrealistic weight? I was at the very bottom of my weight range. In fact, one of the employees said that part of the weight range is for teenagers, not mommies like me.

Well, I own my freak out yesterday. I'm gonna go Dr. Phil up in here. I CHOSE to eat that crap therefore I CHOSE to gain 2 more pounds. Now, I will just reduce my points (food intake) and continue to workout. I was supposed to go back to work today, but our sheriff recommended all schools in our county be closed one more day because of all our snow. To give myself a compliment after bashing myself, I have worked out EVERY DAY this break. Now, I just need to figure out how to keep it up again when I go back to work. The first race I want to do is in March, so I may just need to get back into training mode. For some reason that gets me out of bed more than just saying I need to workout.

Workouts:
Friday- 70 min. on treadmill 4.5 miles running 1.5 hiking on various inclines
Saturday- 70 min. yoga and strength training with Wii Fit
Sunday- Ran in the snow 4 miles in 39 minutes
Today- I will hike on the treadmill and then do more Wii Fit (I just need to kick my oldest son off of it first)