Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My Very 1st Blog

I am attempting to write a blog as a way for me to reflect upon my feelings and above all, try to feel like a normal person. What do I mean by 'normal'? I mean someone who can look at themself and see what other people see. You see, I have what I refer to as...ISSUES. Let me start at the beginning (well a brief beginning). I am someone who has ALWAYS thought of themself as a bigger girl.

When I think of my childhood I think, chubby.

When I think about the teenage years I think, above normal.

My college years, getting even bigger.

And finally my married life, fat, Fat, FAT!

Finally at my peak weight I started having fertility issues. It wasn't until I heard the words, obese, polycystic ovaries, mild endometriosis and the big one: PREDIABETIC that I started to lose weight with the help of Weight Watchers. Losing just 30 lbs. helped me to get pregnant...with twins!!! After having the twins, I went back to Weight Watchers and in a little over a year I made Lifetime. I wanted to lose a bit more though...and then a bit more...and finally a bit more. I currently am at the bottom of my recommended Weight Watchers scale and weight less than I did in high school! Here is the kicker...apparently I don't see myself as others do. I cannot take a complement. I start to make excuses for myself rather than embrace the comments I get. You see...ISSUES.

When I was fat, I thought I looked pretty good. I knew I was big, but I thought I looked good. Looking back at my pictures now I say to myself in the most loving way, "What the hell was I thinking???" I was big. Now that I am smaller, my mind still sees a big girl even though I hear the 'skinny' word almost every day, I don't see it. I thought when I lose weight I'm going to be able to weigh whatever I want, heck, I'll want to walk around naked because I'll look so good. Yeah that's not how I feel at all. I see saggy skin, stretch marks, and a flat ass. And the one thing I miss the most from my fat boobs! Where did my boobs go? I want them back!!! After kids and losing 74 lbs., I have what I like to refer to as tribal boobs. You know, like the kind you see in the National Geographic magazines. That's me!

Is this normal? My mind and body are not on the same page and it's been a year and a half. When will they be in sync? I drive my husband CRAZY!!! Please tell me I'm not the only one with these issues. I go to my Weight Watcher meetings still almost weekly and I know I should voice these feelings but I don't because I know when I was bigger the last thing I wanted to hear was a Lifetime member complaining about their body. So hear is where I will finally let out my issues in hopes there are others out there like me.


new*me said...

I do not see what you see. Girl, you look great! A real hot mama ;) I have heard that after people lose a lot they still can't accept their body. There may be more deeper issues that counseling could help with. It's so okay to ask for help! As far as the skin and butt issues :)....I don't know if you are working out but maybe doing some toning with weights could help you define and sculpt an already beautiful body?

I will be returning to see how you are doing. Congrats on your amazing weight loss and your twins! Twins are a roller coaster aren't they!?

spunkysuzi said...

Actually that happened to me when i hit life time. I still saw myself as bigger. If i went to buy clothes i'd pick ones off the rack that i thought would fit. Unfortunately for my mind they were like 2 sizes too big ;) I definitely had issues with this. Since i'm almost at goal once again i'm sure i'll be dealing with this again! It's alright we'll fight it together ;)
P.s you look wonderful!!

Kate said...

Hi there! Thanks for swinging by my blog. I think you will find a blog to be one of your most useful tools! It makes you realize you are so not alone!

I think we all have issues. I know even now that I'm at goal, I'm struggling with eating more, and learning to accept my body where it's at, because I don't want to get into the trap of, I can lose a few more, i can lose a few more. So it's a struggle!

Chellie has Issues said...

New*me- Thank you! You are not the 1st person to suggest I go to counseling. Right now, I'm hoping this to be my therapy. Twins are a hoot. I may just need to do a whole other blog on that!

Suzi- Thank you! Glad to have support already.

Kate- I hear you. My husband actually tells me I need to gain weight. I've never heard that in my whole life. It's a journey for sure.

Katschi said...

Tribal boobs...I laughed out loud at that one!
I think your feelings are experienced by many people. But I'd like to point out that you said you were 'above normal' in your high school photo. Honey, you look gorgeous in that picture! Perhaps you've had these distorted body issues even when you were thin. You're just revisiting it again.
When I weighed 120 lbs less than I do now, I thought I looked as fat as I actually AM now. I ripped myself apart daily and constantly compared myself to other women. I drove myself and my boyfriend(s) crazy. It's something that I'll be working on. So no, you're not alone.
We need to get you on "How to Look Good Naked"!!! He'll show you how hot you are!

noelle said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Girl you are thin. 117? Holy cow!

But I know how hard it is to see ourselves that way. I too that I was really heavy in high school at a size 11. I was a curvy girl not a fat girl.

These days when I am not feeling good about my body it has more to do with the food I am eating. I know if I am making good choices or not. But I am still the same inside, you know?

WW has given me tools to get here, now i have to use those tools to change the way I see myself.

Maisy said...

I've lost about 25 pounds and have gone down two sizes and I do the same thing...I always gravitate toward the bigger size. It's hard to undo the way that your mind has worked for years.
You look amazing and you inspire me. I look forward to reading more of your blog. :)

Shauna said...

Hello there, I found your blog today... nice to meet you! I laughed so much at the "tribal boobs" thing - I've lost 175lb and have the same issue. You're not alone with having Issues in general - people often comment that my life must be so perfect after losing weight, but the demons still linger :) Anyway, you look fab and looking forward to reading more of your blog! :)