My Very 1st Blog

I am attempting to write a blog as a way for me to reflect upon my feelings and above all, try to feel like a normal person. What do I mean by 'normal'? I mean someone who can look at themself and see what other people see. You see, I have what I refer to as...ISSUES. Let me start at the beginning (well a brief beginning). I am someone who has ALWAYS thought of themself as a bigger girl.

When I think of my childhood I think, chubby.

When I think about the teenage years I think, above normal.

My college years, getting even bigger.

And finally my married life, fat, Fat, FAT!

Finally at my peak weight I started having fertility issues. It wasn't until I heard the words, obese, polycystic ovaries, mild endometriosis and the big one: PREDIABETIC that I started to lose weight with the help of Weight Watchers. Losing just 30 lbs. helped me to get pregnant...with twins!!! After having the twins, I went back to Weight Watchers and in a little over a year I made Lifetime. I wanted to lose a bit more though...and then a bit more...and finally a bit more. I currently am at the bottom of my recommended Weight Watchers scale and weight less than I did in high school! Here is the kicker...apparently I don't see myself as others do. I cannot take a complement. I start to make excuses for myself rather than embrace the comments I get. You see...ISSUES.

When I was fat, I thought I looked pretty good. I knew I was big, but I thought I looked good. Looking back at my pictures now I say to myself in the most loving way, "What the hell was I thinking???" I was big. Now that I am smaller, my mind still sees a big girl even though I hear the 'skinny' word almost every day, I don't see it. I thought when I lose weight I'm going to be able to weigh whatever I want, heck, I'll want to walk around naked because I'll look so good. Yeah that's not how I feel at all. I see saggy skin, stretch marks, and a flat ass. And the one thing I miss the most from my fat days...my boobs! Where did my boobs go? I want them back!!! After kids and losing 74 lbs., I have what I like to refer to as tribal boobs. You know, like the kind you see in the National Geographic magazines. That's me!

Is this normal? My mind and body are not on the same page and it's been a year and a half. When will they be in sync? I drive my husband CRAZY!!! Please tell me I'm not the only one with these issues. I go to my Weight Watcher meetings still almost weekly and I know I should voice these feelings but I don't because I know when I was bigger the last thing I wanted to hear was a Lifetime member complaining about their body. So hear is where I will finally let out my issues in hopes there are others out there like me.