Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Note to Self

Self...who do you think you are? You cannot up your reps AND sets the same day when you've only been back to strength training for less than 2 weeks. Do you like have your legs feel like you're walking through water? And you think it's bad now...wait until tomorrow. SLAP..idiot.

Anyhoo, I weighed in this morning as was down 2.5 lbs. I was super happy until I watched a taping of Oprah. Bob Greene, the man, was on and having me ask myself questions. The question that nailed me was, "Why do you want to lose weight?" He said if it's about being a certain size or number on the scale, you won't succeed. I knew that. At least, I used to know that. When I started this journey it was about not becoming diabetic (I was diagnosed prediabetic in 2005) AND helping my infertility problems. It was about my HEALTH. Suddenly, well not exactly suddenly, I have become OBSESSED with the number on the scale and not on my health. How did I let this happen? Why do I keep being obsessed by the scale. I think it's fear. I fear becoming fat again, so I weigh myself everyday. I fear not fitting into my clothes (which I have been having an issue with lately). But the funny thing is, I did not obsess or beat myself up with I was bigger. I didn't care. I didn't freak out about the scale. I though actually that I looked good. Now that I am healthier I think I am more critical of the way I look than ever before. Why is that? I guess I thought when I hit a certain weight I would suddenly love my body and love me. That didn't happen.

I need to get back to just wanting to be healthy. I need to learn to love myself unconditionally. No matter how small I get, I will never get what my hubs says I from my father. I need to get over that and just love myself. My boys love me, my students do, my hubs does. Why do I have such a hard time with loving and accepting myself? This is what I need to work on instead of my love/hate affair with my scale!


TB--Milwaukee said...

Sounds like you need to hide the scale for a while and just trust yourself. If you've been lifetime for a year, you know how to do it. Just trust yourself.

Nice blog, I don't think I've visited before.

Anonymous said...

Numbers can be very addicting. I think at some point we all struggle with our inner selves. You have to believe in yourself, your strength and your inner beauty.

Penny Dreadful said...

I have definitely felt what you wrote about today. I started this whole process just to be healthy and somehow I became all-consumed in the idea of being "thin". Whenever I get depressed about the scale I try and pull back and realize how much healthier I have become. (I also thought I was pretty damn cute when I was bigger!)

wakati said...

That's a really neat aha moment. Now the question is: How do you go about loving yourself? Is it the stuff you do, the thoughts you think? Is it looking yourself in the mirror everyday with a smile?

How do you even know WHEN you love yourself?

These are really questions for me that came out while commenting. Things to ponder.

BeachRunner said...

Right you are, homeslicey.

Adora said...

You can do it! I have decided to stay off the scales too. Only been on once in a month just to check myself - and the good news was that even over the holidays, I was only up by 2 pounds. My mood fluctuates with my weight, so getting on the scales everyday for me is NOT a good thing. Focusing on being healthy is what it's all about anyway.

RooBabs said...

I know what you mean about struggling with wanting to be a certain number or size. I keep trying to focus on healthy habits (eating good foods for fuel and exercising) rather than trying to attain a certain weight or clothing size. But dang it, I really would like to fit back into my size 4's that I wore for so many years!!

The whole self-love thing is very foreign to me and I have to keep working on it. I think a lot of us are working on this, too, so at least we're in it together.