Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Note to Self
Self...who do you think you are? You cannot up your reps AND sets the same day when you've only been back to strength training for less than 2 weeks. Do you like have your legs feel like you're walking through water? And you think it's bad now...wait until tomorrow. SLAP..idiot.
Anyhoo, I weighed in this morning as was down 2.5 lbs. I was super happy until I watched a taping of Oprah. Bob Greene, the man, was on and having me ask myself questions. The question that nailed me was, "Why do you want to lose weight?" He said if it's about being a certain size or number on the scale, you won't succeed. I knew that. At least, I used to know that. When I started this journey it was about not becoming diabetic (I was diagnosed prediabetic in 2005) AND helping my infertility problems. It was about my HEALTH. Suddenly, well not exactly suddenly, I have become OBSESSED with the number on the scale and not on my health. How did I let this happen? Why do I keep being obsessed by the scale. I think it's fear. I fear becoming fat again, so I weigh myself everyday. I fear not fitting into my clothes (which I have been having an issue with lately). But the funny thing is, I did not obsess or beat myself up with I was bigger. I didn't care. I didn't freak out about the scale. I though actually that I looked good. Now that I am healthier I think I am more critical of the way I look than ever before. Why is that? I guess I thought when I hit a certain weight I would suddenly love my body and love me. That didn't happen.
I need to get back to just wanting to be healthy. I need to learn to love myself unconditionally. No matter how small I get, I will never get what my hubs says I want...love from my father. I need to get over that and just love myself. My boys love me, my students do, my hubs does. Why do I have such a hard time with loving and accepting myself? This is what I need to work on instead of my love/hate affair with my scale!